Piers Morgan has announced that he'd like to toss his hat in the ring as 'Minister for abolishing wokery'.
For anyone concerned, no this position does not exist, nor will it ever.
But just in case Prime Minister Rishi Sunak decided to appoint him the role - or perhaps just as a way for him to pass the time - Piers has come up with a 20-point plan.
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Piers published his manifesto to 'single-handedly restore Britain to its former glorious non-woke self' in his latest column for The Sun.
I'd just like to add in here, for anybody who wasn't aware, 'woke' just means being alert to discrimination and other societal issues.
Why anyone would like to abolish basic awareness of our surroundings and promote cluelessness is a mystery to me, but it seems to be working wonders for Piers.
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His first course of action is to jump on board the deadly, deeply ignorant transphobic bandwagon and ban 'all preferred personal pronouns' with immediate effect because they're, as he says, 'pointless, confusing, and annoying'.
I would counter that trying to construct a single sentence without being allowed to use pronouns would be even more confusing and annoying, but I'm sure Piers has a genius plan to overcome that one. Right, Piers?
At least three more points on Piers's list are disappointingly, though unsurprisingly, outright transphobic. So we'll not be giving that any more or a spotlight than it's already been given.
What I would like to mention, though, is that Piers claims his pretend anti-trans laws on protecting 'women's rights', but later he says he would like to 'ban safe spaces' because they 'creep him out'.
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Funny how he can bend the rules like that, isn't it?
Though, this is his fantasy, to be fair.
Piers also appears to be against... happy police officers?
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"Uniformed police officers caught dancing or holding hands with the public, or wearing virtue-signalling armbands or hats, to be sent on six-month secondment to patrol Tottenham Hotspur matches, home and away – or they can opt for summary execution, if preferable," he writes.
It's hard to take in Piers's attempt at humour here, when all I can think about is how generally nice police officers upset him so much that they're the THIRD thing he would ban on his 20-point list.
The former Good Morning Britain presenter would also like to 'cancel' cancel culture.
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Surely the logic is that, if you're not allowed to cancel things anymore, you're not allowed to cancel cancel culture? But, hey, best of luck!
Piers also contradicts himself when he announces in point 18 that critical race theory 'will be banned from schools', and anyone who supports it 'will be given personal tutorials on the history of the Nazi Party'.
And in point 19, he says anyone who defaces the statue of Winston Churchill, the man who 'saved this country's freedom from the Nazis', will be deported.
Also making it to his list of things to be banned are vegan and vegetarian products that use 'meat language to sell their products', the Just Stop Oil protesters, 'Harry Potter stars like Daniel Radcliffe and Emma Watson', and any James Bond movie that doesn't have enough of 007 smoking, drinking, and having sex.
And, of course, what would a rampage from Piers Morgan be without a knock at his dream girl Meghan Markle?
In his 20th and final point, Piers promises that Harry and Meghan will have their UK passports 'revoked indefinitely for the sake of their mental health and ours'.
Now, doesn't that sound like the sort of person you'd like to see running the country?
Topics: Piers Morgan, UK News
Ali Condon