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Topics: Sex and Relationships, News
Britt Jones
Divorce is often listed among the most stressful experiences people go through along with moving house, job loss and bereavement.
According to Psychology Today, up to 80 percent of people regret divorcing after experiencing unexpected consequences.
As the UK introduced the 'the biggest shake-up of divorce law for 50 years' this week, it's important to know what you're getting into when divorcing your spouse.
Three divorce experts spoke to Stylist about the nine things many of their clients regretted when going through divorce.
Salma Khan, a divorce coach explained that filing for divorce without knowing what it entails makes for a bumpy ride.
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They said: “Many people regret not having enough information from the get-go, so arming yourself with support and information is key.”
Working with a divorce coach or doing your own research before the relationship hits breaking point will save a lot of heartache further down the line.
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Divorce coach Nawal Houghton said: “When choosing someone to represent you, it’s a good idea to speak to a few different people and interview them.
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“Explain your personal circumstances and ask what they can bring to the table: how do they work with clients?"
He also explains that you should be asking about their previous experience to see if it lines up with your case.
This might be something that a lot of people think when considering divorce so that they don’t disrupt their children’s lives too much until they are adults.
However, Tom Nash, a divorce expert says that this could harm your relationship with them further.
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He said: “Studies have shown that children of divorced parents also, in the majority, wish their parents had separated sooner.
"Of course, relationships can be rebuilt, but usually, people regret staying in relationships just for the sake of their children.”
Khan explained that there is a rise in couples doing the majority of the divorce proceedings themselves through the use of dedicated websites instead of going through the traditional solicitor route.
The said: “While this can be right for some couples, many people underestimate how difficult the process is without having somebody, such as a solicitor, to lean on and regret choosing that path.”
Often blame is assigned over the breakdown of a relationship, particularly if one party has had an affair.
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Nash insisted that if you feel like the guilty party, it shouldn't mean your partner 'sets the terms' for the divorce.
Nash said: “The person who’s met someone else will often have an internal conflict going on and will make decisions based on these feelings of guilt and shame rather than being future-facing.”
He warned that not standing their ground now might lead to future regrets.
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Houghton explained that mediation should be the first port of call when divorcing as it’s more ‘collaborative’.
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He said: “Proposing mediation really should be the first port of call in any event.”
Unless, of course, in situations of violence or abuse.
This might be a no-brainer, but according the Nash, people do end up living in the family home while the divorce is continuing which can lead to being surrounded by painful memories.
Nash said: “As much as people redecorate, they’re still surrounded by memories, that after a time, they want to move on from.
“Moving into separate, new houses is what people often wish they’d done.”
This is certainly something that should be told to everyone.
Nash said: “It’s common for people, in hindsight, to feel that they used their children as a bit of an emotional crutch by talking to them about the adult stuff.”
But, instead, the experts suggests that adults should be reassuring their kids instead that things won’t change too much.
It’s easy to try to look for adult company when going through a divorce, but Houghton explained that you can be emotionally vulnerable during this time and need some space to process everything and move on before getting into a new relationship.
This is all pretty stellar advice!