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Topics: Sex and Relationships
Anish Vij
By now, many of us have come to understand what being 'polyamorous' is.
The relationship term relates to the act of consensually enjoying multiple partners all at once. However, despite sounding similar, being 'polyamorous' is not the same as being 'tolyamorous'.
US-based relationship expert Dan Savage is responsible for coming up with the term earlier this year.
The renowned author opened up about 'tolyamory' on his podcast Savage Lovecast, a weekly, call-in, sex advice programme.
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Back in January, he said that 'tolyamory' happens to be a combination of 'polyamory' whilst being 'tolerate' about it.
Savage claims it's when 'someone is willing to turn a blind eye to a lap dance or a brief affair after years of marriage'.
He elaborated: “They’re able to focus on all the ways their spouse demonstrates their commitment and shows their love.
“And all of those other ways compensate or make the cheating that might be happening tolerable.
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“These people aren’t fools or dupes. They’re not to be pitied - they know what they signed up for and long ago made peace with what they got.
“They’re willing to put up with it - a certain amount of it - reconciled to it, willing to tolerate it. They are, in a word, tolyamorous.”
Not speaking about it, but knowing what's going on, is the whole point of being 'tolyamorous'.
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But Marie Thouin, a relationship researcher, has explained what sort of issues can arise when someone is poly under duress (known as PUD).
This means when one partner is begrudgingly against being poly, but goes along with it.
“PUD folks might be struggling with their partner’s non-monogamous behavior, but they usually have entered this arrangement with informed consent and transparency,” Thouin told HuffPost.
"Tolyamorous folks often have entered it retroactively through the discovery of infidelity, or an ultimatum — e.g. 'I will have sex with others whether you agree to it or not'.
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"Additionally, PUD folks are not typically trying to maintain the appearance of monogamy."
Meanwhile, don’t ask, don’t tell (known as DADT), 'is more likely to be an egalitarian dynamic where both members of a couple are allowing one another to have sex outside the couple, as long as they keep it away from sight'.
“I suspect that tolyamory shows up more often in one-sided dynamics where one person remains monogamous while the other is sexually active with others,” Thouin adds.